Reality Check

I didn't post anything yesterday. I sat in front of the computer, wrote a few things, but I did not know what to say or how to say it. My mind was racing, 1,000 thoughts per minute. Why? I was ashamed. Yes, ashamed that the day before I had decided to start writing this blog to keep me accountable for my decision to change my life, but there I was... failing again. I realized this belief is what makes me give up; the belief that I am failing, or that I will fail... then I tell myself, "If I am going to fail, why even try?" So I give up before even starting.

The big problem with the whole "weight war" is our own thoughts. It is how we think, and how that thought makes us feel, that makes us believe we are losing control over our lives. I sure experienced this yesterday. I went to bed confident that I would be able to pull this off, but when I woke up yesterday... the old mind set had set in, and it was in full gear. And then I told myself, "You have no readers on your blog anyway, why do you care? No one will know you messed up!" That was the type of thing that I was rationalizing yesterday. Many times after I gain all this weight, and I was on a diet, if someone told me I was looking good, or when they told me they could see I was losing weight... I would just jump off the wagon and run like crazy far, far from it. Why? I was afraid, not of failing, but of succeeding. How come afraid of succeeding? I will explain it in a few minutes.

There is much more than bad habits behind an obese person's behavior, there is also that person's reasons for eating. As an obese person myself, I have heard from caring friends and relatives, that all I need to do is eat less and exercise more. Well, with all due respect, I know that! It is very possible that all obese people know more about how to lose weight in an effective way, then any skinny person. The problem is not that we don't know how to lose weight, the problem is that the weight is not the problem, the weight is the outcome of the problem. You see, we eat for a reason, and if we want to stop eating and sitting on our buns all day, we have to work not only on our behavior, but on our cognition as well.

With that said, I want to share some of my irrational thoughts with you, maybe some of you can relate to them, I don't know. As i said on my first post, I was always very attractive, and usually viewed as a prize by many man. My ex-husband used to tell me all I was was beautiful, and that men would only want one thing from me.. Sex.... and if I didn't have my looks, I would never be loved. Yeah... that was a hard one to live with. But I believed him. After I separated from him, I met another guy and we lived together for 4 years; it was a wonderful relationship, but it ended very ugly, and I was terribly hurt. I moved to California with my daughter, and although it was the best thing that ever happened to me, it is not always easy to be here. When we moved I had no house, no job, no money, no husband. I was on my own.... I was scared, but I had a confidence inside me that I would be fine. I found a place, a job, and went back to college. But I was stressed out, I had very little money, and no support system.. in fact I still don't have one, and as an emotional eater, food became my drug of choice. Moreover, with very little money, I went for the cheap fast foods; that would fill me up for very little money. I ate because I was stressed, and could not stop myself from eating. But deep inside I didn't want to stop. I realized that I also didn't care if I gained weight, because I wanted to look unattractive, this way no man would want me. What? Who would want that? Well, you would be surprised how many people do that to avoid being rejected. If I am fat, no man will be attracted to me, and I wont be rejected and hurt by him when he leaves me. The problem with this way of thinking is... by doing this I avoid being rejected, but I also avoid being accepted!

Now we come back to my statement that I was afraid of succeeding. How so? Well, I am still afraid I will become attractive again, have a nice man be attracted to me. I am afraid I will end up getting hurt again. I know, I know... this is silly, but I said it was an irrational thought! I know that! But I am still afraid. So, I have to work not only on behavior change, but I need to work on these irrational thoughts that lead to my bad habits. And I have been telling myself, "hey, who told you that all men will reject and hurt you?" I know who.. my mom. But she is wrong! I just need to remind myself of that more often. I need to work on myself with love and compassion. I need to love myself and trust myself more. I am a smart woman, but I have been acting like a fool. I have changed so much these past years, and I am so happy with the person I have become. It is a contradiction right? I know, that is why I need to work on myself now. I have changed and improved almost everything in my life. It is time to tackle my irrational thoughts and hurt feelings.

So! Today is a new day, I woke up fired-up, and decided I will make this work. I don't know how I will be able to stick to it, but I will. I don't know what it's going to happen, but I want it!... It is time... it is time for change. I don't want to end up alone, sick, afraid. I am still young and pretty, and I have SO MUCH to look for in the future. I want to find peace of mind, I want to be free from my irrational thoughts. So.. I will try it, one day at a time, believing this time is the time I will stick to it, because this time, I will not run from my fears, I will face them all.. one by one... until I believe, I AM capable of making changes, and I WILL do it!

Talk to you later,
Me.