A Little Pep Talk

I felt like crap this whole week!
Here I am, sitting at this station, looking at the wagon.... and dying inside. And I've been debating and trying to convince myself it is okay to give up. It is like I have two selves, The Rebel (Ms. R), and The Therapist (Dr. T). The Rebel tries to give up, and uses all kind of excuses to get away with it, but The Therapist, the one I like to think of as wise and kind, will always try to show the rebel.. she is wrong.

If anyone could hear this conversation, it would go a little like this:

(Ms. R)--"I don't want to board the wagon, I am tired of this!"

(Dr. T)--"Tired of what?"

(Ms.R)--"Tired of having to deprive myself of things!"

(Dr.T)--"You are thinking of deprivation on one way that is convenient for you. You are rationalizing to continue with your compulsion. What you are really depriving yourself is of happiness, freedom, and love."

(Ms.R)--"The hell with this! I don't do much in life, the only pleasure I have is eating!"

(Dr. T)--"Is it really a pleasure if after you eat you feel so guilty?"

(Ms. R)--"Well.... I feel guilty, alright, but it tastes so good! It makes me feel so calm."

(Dr. T)--"Just like an addiction right?"

(Ms. R)--"Addiction... Yeah... maybe... I was addicted to cigarettes, and one day I just decided I would stop, and I did...I never had to put a cigarette in my mouth again, that made it easier. Just gave it up. But how can you stop eating? It is hard when you want to quit but have to have your drug of choice 3 times a day"

(Dr. T)--"I know, it does make it harder. But you know there are ways to do it, you have done it before. Wasn't it hard to quit smoking?"

(Ms. R)--"In the beginning, yes, it was hard, then it became easier"

(Dr. T)--"It is the same thing with your eating. But you need to put some effort into it, you need to be strong and don't give in."

(Ms. R)--"I am tired of putting effort! I just want it to change, like a switch! Off. There. I already know this shit, why can't I just do it?"

(Dr. T)--"Clearly, you are sabotaging yourself."

(Ms. R)--"I know........"

(Dr. T)--"But do you know why?"

(Ms. R)--"I guess...."

(Dr. T)--"Tell me."

(Ms. R)--" I am afraid.."

(Dr. T)--"Of what?"

(Mr. R)--"If I don't have the weight to work on... I won't have much to do"

(Dr. T)--"What do you mean?"

(Mr. R)--"Well.... I'm not doing much right now. I don't go to the beach, I don't enjoy the pool at my complex, I don't go places because I don't want to be seen because I am fat..... I feel so lonely.....If I don't have the weight to work on anymore, what will I worry about? Plus... I enjoy eating! I don't want to lose this pleasure!"

(Dr. T)--"Okay... I understand you. It sounds like you are making up excuses. Can't you see that if you don't have the worry about losing weight, you can actually do all these things you mentioned? And you might even meet people, and make friends, and don't feel lonely anymore. I guarantee that if you give yourself a chance you will enjoy life even more! And... you can still fell pleasure from eating, because you will be choosing things for its flavor, not its quantity"

(Mr. R)--"Oh Come on! I don't eat in large quantities!"

(Dr. T)--"This is half true...you don't eat in large quantities, but you eat high caloric foods, and you snack several times a day, so..... If all you want is the flavor, you could just eat half of what you want. The key here is portion sizes, and you know that."

(Mr. R)--"You annoy me! You always make sense"

(Dr. T)--"So do you, because I AM you"

(Mr. R)--" I know.....And that is the problem... I can't fool you, you know? You know everything I do, and everything I think."

(Dr. T)--"So what are you going to do next?"

(Ms. R)--"I don't know yet. I want to engage on my program, and at the same time I don't want to"

(Dr. T)--"Listen, do you think it is easy for everyone else?"

(Ms. R)--"What do you mean?"

(Dr. T)--"Well, even the thin people who work out to stay fit have the days where they don't want to work out... or maybe they have days where they rather be eating a juicy burger than a lean chicken. They make the right choices, and wrong choices, but they don't give up just because they ate something they craved...they keep a balance. Plus....Being thin has nothing to do with being free of problems, stress, or hard choices. This is a misconception"

(Ms. R)--"Yeah.. but some times it feels as if I was thin again, I could face these problems better"

(Dr. T)--"Now, wait a minute? Am I really hearing this? You were thin all your life, struggling with keeping the weigh, of course, but thin never the less... and still... you had your stresses, and you were unhappy, and at one point even extremely depressed. So, you know that being thin is not the solution to your problems"

(Ms. R)--"When you put it this way it sounds so silly..."

(Dr. T)--"I just love you so much... I want to see you happy. I want you to feel the happiness, and bliss, that I feel all the time"

(Ms. R)--"How is this possible if you and I are the same person?"

(Dr. T)--"You are the part of me that live in the past, still afraid and insecure. I am the part of you who already got it. I want to move on, do things... But I can't because you are afraid to move on. I am the part of you that inspires you to become the person you always wanted to be. But you already are who you always wanted to be....you just didn't realize that... yet...."

(Ms. R)--"You are right. I feel so stupid"

(Dr. T)--"Stop that! You are not stupid, this It is normal to be unsure of the future...you are just being human! If you look into your past experiences... you will see.. that you do great during crisis! You are great, you always survive it, and you are so strong, you endured so much and still came out of it whole... and you get even stronger, every time you come out of it"

(Ms. R)--"I never saw it this way... I always thought I was a mess during crisis"

(Dr. T)--"You might feel a mess during crisis, it might feel as the world collapsed... but you always came out stronger and wiser."

(Ms. R)--"I fell so much better... Thank you!"

(Dr. T)--"You are welcome... just remember.... without you, I wouldn't be here. I only became as strong as you see because you were so strong in the past. Stop doubting yourself. Stop giving so much power to your worries... You are already where you want to be! Just... enjoy it! And remember.. you knew this journey would take time... so don't act as if something went wrong. And if you stick to it, you will always get what you want! Always"

(Ms. R)--"I Love you!

(Dr. T)--"I love you too!"

Crazy hum? But this is how I am able to analyse my feelings, and see how much I have grown. I have learned that if I am capable of being kind to my daughter and friends when they are suffering, I can be kind to myself when I am suffering as well. In the past I would just listen the part of me who was always being hard on myself. Today I have another part who knows better. Thank God for Dr. T! I've learned that if I don't love myself first, I will never be happy, or feel I am completely loved by anyone else.

Thank god that I have these crazy pep talk exercises, now I can say to you....I fell great today!! I am the one who chooses to see my awesome life!

I'm Still here..... wow...

see you later,
Love, always..
ME