Ready for the Weekend?

Okay, so I took one week vacation ... from the wagon... I've been thinking a lot after the posts I wrote this week, and I think I need to get myself together and do the program. I will actually start writing down some guidelines so it will be easier to follow.

You know, the purpose of this blog is to share with you everything that happens during this process. I hope to learn with this experience and experiment with it too. I want to know what works and what doesn't, because so far I have the theory, but never really tested what works best for me.

One of the most important things about a personal change is what motivates you to change, and what you feel, what emotions erupt while you try change. My big motivations are my daughter and my health. My daughter wants her "sexy" mom back (as she puts it).. and I want her back too, but I want to be healthy and happy, so I can be around for many years, and be with my daughter. Wait... Hum... So .....my daughter is my motivation... the health is the excuse. It works for me.


So, stay tuned, have a great weekend, and ... I will see you Monday!


See you soon
Love, always...
Me

A Little Pep Talk

I felt like crap this whole week!
Here I am, sitting at this station, looking at the wagon.... and dying inside. And I've been debating and trying to convince myself it is okay to give up. It is like I have two selves, The Rebel (Ms. R), and The Therapist (Dr. T). The Rebel tries to give up, and uses all kind of excuses to get away with it, but The Therapist, the one I like to think of as wise and kind, will always try to show the rebel.. she is wrong.

If anyone could hear this conversation, it would go a little like this:

(Ms. R)--"I don't want to board the wagon, I am tired of this!"

(Dr. T)--"Tired of what?"

(Ms.R)--"Tired of having to deprive myself of things!"

(Dr.T)--"You are thinking of deprivation on one way that is convenient for you. You are rationalizing to continue with your compulsion. What you are really depriving yourself is of happiness, freedom, and love."

(Ms.R)--"The hell with this! I don't do much in life, the only pleasure I have is eating!"

(Dr. T)--"Is it really a pleasure if after you eat you feel so guilty?"

(Ms. R)--"Well.... I feel guilty, alright, but it tastes so good! It makes me feel so calm."

(Dr. T)--"Just like an addiction right?"

(Ms. R)--"Addiction... Yeah... maybe... I was addicted to cigarettes, and one day I just decided I would stop, and I did...I never had to put a cigarette in my mouth again, that made it easier. Just gave it up. But how can you stop eating? It is hard when you want to quit but have to have your drug of choice 3 times a day"

(Dr. T)--"I know, it does make it harder. But you know there are ways to do it, you have done it before. Wasn't it hard to quit smoking?"

(Ms. R)--"In the beginning, yes, it was hard, then it became easier"

(Dr. T)--"It is the same thing with your eating. But you need to put some effort into it, you need to be strong and don't give in."

(Ms. R)--"I am tired of putting effort! I just want it to change, like a switch! Off. There. I already know this shit, why can't I just do it?"

(Dr. T)--"Clearly, you are sabotaging yourself."

(Ms. R)--"I know........"

(Dr. T)--"But do you know why?"

(Ms. R)--"I guess...."

(Dr. T)--"Tell me."

(Ms. R)--" I am afraid.."

(Dr. T)--"Of what?"

(Mr. R)--"If I don't have the weight to work on... I won't have much to do"

(Dr. T)--"What do you mean?"

(Mr. R)--"Well.... I'm not doing much right now. I don't go to the beach, I don't enjoy the pool at my complex, I don't go places because I don't want to be seen because I am fat..... I feel so lonely.....If I don't have the weight to work on anymore, what will I worry about? Plus... I enjoy eating! I don't want to lose this pleasure!"

(Dr. T)--"Okay... I understand you. It sounds like you are making up excuses. Can't you see that if you don't have the worry about losing weight, you can actually do all these things you mentioned? And you might even meet people, and make friends, and don't feel lonely anymore. I guarantee that if you give yourself a chance you will enjoy life even more! And... you can still fell pleasure from eating, because you will be choosing things for its flavor, not its quantity"

(Mr. R)--"Oh Come on! I don't eat in large quantities!"

(Dr. T)--"This is half true...you don't eat in large quantities, but you eat high caloric foods, and you snack several times a day, so..... If all you want is the flavor, you could just eat half of what you want. The key here is portion sizes, and you know that."

(Mr. R)--"You annoy me! You always make sense"

(Dr. T)--"So do you, because I AM you"

(Mr. R)--" I know.....And that is the problem... I can't fool you, you know? You know everything I do, and everything I think."

(Dr. T)--"So what are you going to do next?"

(Ms. R)--"I don't know yet. I want to engage on my program, and at the same time I don't want to"

(Dr. T)--"Listen, do you think it is easy for everyone else?"

(Ms. R)--"What do you mean?"

(Dr. T)--"Well, even the thin people who work out to stay fit have the days where they don't want to work out... or maybe they have days where they rather be eating a juicy burger than a lean chicken. They make the right choices, and wrong choices, but they don't give up just because they ate something they craved...they keep a balance. Plus....Being thin has nothing to do with being free of problems, stress, or hard choices. This is a misconception"

(Ms. R)--"Yeah.. but some times it feels as if I was thin again, I could face these problems better"

(Dr. T)--"Now, wait a minute? Am I really hearing this? You were thin all your life, struggling with keeping the weigh, of course, but thin never the less... and still... you had your stresses, and you were unhappy, and at one point even extremely depressed. So, you know that being thin is not the solution to your problems"

(Ms. R)--"When you put it this way it sounds so silly..."

(Dr. T)--"I just love you so much... I want to see you happy. I want you to feel the happiness, and bliss, that I feel all the time"

(Ms. R)--"How is this possible if you and I are the same person?"

(Dr. T)--"You are the part of me that live in the past, still afraid and insecure. I am the part of you who already got it. I want to move on, do things... But I can't because you are afraid to move on. I am the part of you that inspires you to become the person you always wanted to be. But you already are who you always wanted to be....you just didn't realize that... yet...."

(Ms. R)--"You are right. I feel so stupid"

(Dr. T)--"Stop that! You are not stupid, this It is normal to be unsure of the future...you are just being human! If you look into your past experiences... you will see.. that you do great during crisis! You are great, you always survive it, and you are so strong, you endured so much and still came out of it whole... and you get even stronger, every time you come out of it"

(Ms. R)--"I never saw it this way... I always thought I was a mess during crisis"

(Dr. T)--"You might feel a mess during crisis, it might feel as the world collapsed... but you always came out stronger and wiser."

(Ms. R)--"I fell so much better... Thank you!"

(Dr. T)--"You are welcome... just remember.... without you, I wouldn't be here. I only became as strong as you see because you were so strong in the past. Stop doubting yourself. Stop giving so much power to your worries... You are already where you want to be! Just... enjoy it! And remember.. you knew this journey would take time... so don't act as if something went wrong. And if you stick to it, you will always get what you want! Always"

(Ms. R)--"I Love you!

(Dr. T)--"I love you too!"

Crazy hum? But this is how I am able to analyse my feelings, and see how much I have grown. I have learned that if I am capable of being kind to my daughter and friends when they are suffering, I can be kind to myself when I am suffering as well. In the past I would just listen the part of me who was always being hard on myself. Today I have another part who knows better. Thank God for Dr. T! I've learned that if I don't love myself first, I will never be happy, or feel I am completely loved by anyone else.

Thank god that I have these crazy pep talk exercises, now I can say to you....I fell great today!! I am the one who chooses to see my awesome life!

I'm Still here..... wow...

see you later,
Love, always..
ME

I am Still here...

I am having a rough week.... being really hard to stay on track.
I have stopped at the station and left the wagon for a day tour.... or a four day tour... But I don't want to fall off the wagon, not this time. So, I am walking back to the wagon, and I will continue this journey. If there is one thing I have learned over the years, is that every time I gave myself a day off or even a week off, I abandoned the wagon and felt terrible about myself. This time I want to do something different. I have a few things in my mind, and I need to stop and meditate on some things.

So, what I want to say is.....

I Am Still Here!

But some times I wonder.....Is anyone out there? Is anyone reading this?

Anyway.... I will see you later,
Love, always..
Me

Finding Help

Yesterday I promised to post some information on how to find help for eating disorder or compulsive overeating. I found a few addresses from when I was taking an Eating Disorder Class at Saddleback College. However, the majority of the places I've got are all local to Orange County, California. I will post them here, plus some websites that might help you. I just want to make clear I have not tried these organizations, nor I am choosing them over any other, I just want to give you a jump start if you decide this is what you need. In future posts I will also recommend some books or foods that are tasty and low calorie, books and audio books that might help, wii games and exercise dvd's that might make exercise fun.

Okay, so let's get started:
Community Resources (Orange County)

South Coast Medical Center
Eating Disorder Program (949) 499-7504
31872 Coast Highway, Laguna Beach, CA 92651
The accept most insurance plans.

Discovery Paths (949) 716-4326
Intensive Outpatient ED Program (IOP)
Meets Tuesday-Thursday, 4:30-7:30pm

ANAD (847) 831-3438
Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders

Overeaters Anonymous
Orange County (714) 953-5159
San Diego (619) 563-4606
Los Angeles (213) 936-5159

OC Psychological Association Referrals
(949) 440-4385

CA Assoc. of Marriage/Family Therapist
(800) 564-2638

National Eating Disorders Association

Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center

If you decided you need a therapist, please go to the American Psychological Association (APA) website, and look for a therapist in your area. APA has the list of all the licensed therapists in your area. This is the most reliable resource you can get.

So, my friends.... I hope this will help ....
Love, always...
Me

It is Different For Everybody...

I have read several books and theories about how to lose weight. Some say you have to control every calorie intake, some say, stop thinking about losing weight, some say, focus on losing weight....I say, do what you feel most comfortable doing. You are the one who will find what works for you better. I would encourage you to work on your emotions as you try to work on your weight, because it was your emotions and your thoughts that got you here in the first place. After you work on your emotions, then you can chose the technique you feel will fit you better... be it the OCD technique or any technique... but find something you feel you can stick with.

I tried it all, I can tell you. Pills, diet, exercise, liposuction, fasting... When I was in my 20's I had a friend who told me this incredible thing she was doing to lose weight. She told me that once a day, she would eat whatever she wanted, as much as she wanted, and then purge it all after she ate. What?? I have never heard of such a thing in my life! That seamed so gross! But it clearly worked for her. One day I was so sad that I was putting on weight (10 pounds, maybe less... and I was sad... OMG)... so I tried purging too, and became a bulimic for many years. My point is, that when someone begins looking for solutions and miracles to lose the weight, you will always find several "solutions" and quick fixes that will help you lose weight, but won't really solve the problem. It will actually make it worse. After years of purging and treating it as just another way to lose weight, I had a class on eating disorders, and boy was I surprised! After that class I began investigating why I eat, and this journey of mine towards a healthy eating began. This was Summer 2007.

Well, I am trying to keep it short now.... Jan, my dear friend, told me I am writing too much on these posts.... but.... I just feel it helps me when I write it all down, and I can't say all I want to say in just a few lines....:(

Anyway... What I was trying to say was....Don't feel disappointed if a solution that works so well for your friend is not working for you. You are different people, with different metabolisms and lifestyles. So, see what you like, and what works best for you. You like to count calories, or do you prefer points? Maybe you like to buy food that is already portioned out for you? So do it! What ever works for you, do it. But what ever you do, pay attention to portion size, don't go over the calories you set up for your daily intake.... and exercise. Either walk, jog, Run, go to the Gym, Play with your Wii fit, Biggest loser Wii, use exercise DVD's, play tennis with a friend... what ever you chose... chose what you feel you will stick with, and I can guarantee...it will work for you. But you have to stick to it, do not give up! And... work on yourself... write down your feelings and thoughts, meditate, if this is something you like... but spend time with yourself and listen to your thoughts. If you think there are many deep emotional issues behind your eating habits, then seek therapy, or even some support group. There are so many options that you can find in your area! Whatever you do... just know that there is help out there... and if you ever need my help... I am here for you. Let's talk, laugh, cry... if you need me... just shout, and I will answer. If all you need is someone to listen... I am here.

I will prepare a post soon with websites and resource options if you guys need help with your eating disorders, compulsive eating, etc. There are support groups, therapists who work pro-bono with weekly support groups, and websites with information that can help you. I will make sure to post some information soon, okay?

See you soon, my friends
Love
Me

The OCD Technique

A few days ago I was telling you about the techniques used to treat Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). For the ones of you who don't know what this is, I will try to explain it. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is

an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called "rituals," however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety.

The most common approaches to treat OCD are cognitive-behavioral therapy, and the exposure exercises, where the therapist encourages the patient to face the fears that trigger their compulsions. For example, lets say that a patient is afraid of germs, and he or she never shakes anyone's hand because they feel the other person's hand is full of germs and will transmit all sort of diseases. In addition, lets say that the patient not only does not shake anyone's hand, but also believes that if he or she washes their hands for 30 minutes at a time,counting every time they rub their hands together, that this behavior will protect him or her from getting any diseases at all. To free that person from the compulsion, a therapist could sit the patient down, and with a dirty hand, hold the patient's hand until his or her anxiety level decrease for at least 50% of their initial level. Now, this is an exposure, but also a desensitization technique when performed several times; as much as the person is exposed to what triggers their anxiety, the more desensitized he or she will become of the trigger. The idea is to have the patient experience the extreme anxiety, and stay with it without engaging in the compulsion until the anxiety lowers. Eventually, the patient will understand that the compulsive behavior and the obsessive thought is very silly, that he or she would not get sick just by holding someones hand, and learn how to control the anxiety and avoid engaging on the compulsive behavior.

As I read about this and watched a few programs on the subject, I realized that what makes me eat, is obsession and compulsion. How so? Well, some people eat when they are anxious, depressed, or even happy; I eat when I am anxious. An obsession is the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc (Dictionary.com). A compulsion is a state of being compelled; it is an irresistible impulse to perform an act (Merriam-Webster). Eating because you are anxious or depressed, or whatever reason, sounds like a compulsion to me, and eat in response to an irrational thought that triggers an anxiety, sound a lot like obsession to me. I get anxious, then I engage in an obsessive thinking that I need to eat, or I won't be able to handle the anxiety. I can't get rid of the obsessive thought, then I engage on the compulsive behavior of eating. Now, If I use OCD's exposure technique when I feel the urge to eat, it might actually be what I need to control this behavior. One of the reasons why the exposure and desensitization techniques are so effective, is that it helps the patient to learn how to control the anxiety, and not allow the anxiety to control them. Thant is what I need.

So I came up with this theory, that if I feel anxious and compelled to eat, I should not give in. This compulsion to eat is not about the food, it's about the feeling (the obsession) that triggers the eating. What makes me want to eat is the anxiety, not real hunger. The anxiety builds up, bringing discomfort feelings, making me eat to either numb that feeling, or get rid of the anxiety all together. I recall a couple of times when I was trying to control my urge to eat, and I got really anxious and sad. After I gave in and ate the food I was craving, I felt as a rush of adrenaline passed through my body, numbing me, and giving me a good relaxing feeling. I remember thinking that must be what a drug addict feels after shooting up heroin. I felt so bad, but at the same time so relieved... because I understood what was going on with me. It was an addiction, and I should treat it accordingly. See, some of you might relate to this...I eat because I like the taste, of course, but most important, I eat because I want to stop the anxiety, the craving, and the feelings that come with them. I don't want to feel the sadness that is trying to take over. But the truth is, the sadness is there, and I can't pretend it is not... by eating. By not facing these thoughts and feelings, I am allowing old feelings to emerge and hurt me, over and over again. I eat as an effort to forget about the feelings, and/or to suppress them. I believe that it might take a few anxiety episodes where I feel this urge to eat, and don't, to stop the behavior. If I sit with this discomfort, and experience the anxiety, the sadness... the anger... and allow myself to just feel it, and deal with it... I might just learn how to beat this compulsion. Just like with the OCD technique, your brain will learn that experiencing the anxiety wont kill you, that the sadness is not as bad as you might think, and that the anger you feel inside, once it's released, it's gone forever.

I never said this would be easy, right? But this is what I believe will help me, or anyone else that eats as a response to a cognitive trigger. Just don't be afraid of it. You are already suffering, you just pretend you aren't, when you eat. And after you eat, you add to your pain.... and you suppress it again. And you are in a down spiral, feeling there is no hope. If you decided to experience the feelings you are trying to run away from, I believe that all those unresolved issues that one day someone told you to forget about it and move on because there is no way you can defeat it.... will actually lose grip on you. Life is not easy, but it is great.... we just need to allow the bad experiences to come.... and go. Yes, bad things do happen to good people, but there is always a good side of it.... even if it was just to make you tougher.

So, I will try this the next time I realize I am giving in to a triggering thought. Once you engage in a behavior that follows a thought or a feeling, over, and over gain... I believe this is an Obsessive-compulsive behavior, and being so... it is treatable. The is light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, I want to share with you all that I have lost 3.8 pounds in one week! Isn't that great? I will tell you more about this tomorrow, my dear friends!

See you later,
Love always.....
Me

I Can See Clearly Now...

I was always a very impatient person, but I am learning that patience really is a virtue. Being patient is becoming easier and easier. I am glad I am more patient, or I would be very disappointed with the time it will take for me to eliminate all the weight I have put on. It took me years to become who I am today, and I can't expect to change in a month. For years I have been nurtured to behave the way I do. And you would think I am talking about my family, right? Well, you are not entirely wrong. Of course my family had a great impact in my life, but I realized that my perspective on food and weight came from what I have learned from the Media, society, and friends. As little girls we grow up listening to our mothers and sisters complain that they look fat and ugly, and for you... they looked so perfect! They taught you that even if you are pretty, it is never enough. And the movies? The movies display those beautiful actresses... thin, glamorous, and adored! They usually end up with a perfect man, that fall for their perfect figure, and go on to have a perfect life. And what about the magazines? There are tons of beautiful skinny models in every page, and they make us feel so inadequate. And the tabloids? I hate how the tabloids make us feel when they trash the beautiful women who gain some weight, or is getting older. They just reinforce our feeling that it is hard to be accepted if we don't look as glamorous as Linda Evangelista. Beauty, perfection, that’s what the magazines show us, but they don’t tell us about the retouching they do in almost every model, even the ones we already think are beautiful! Why do we believe that we need to be perfect to be happy? Because we hear this every day. Thank God not everybody falls for this, but for the ones who do, it is so frustrating! There are some things we learn and we don’t even realize. If we understood that we are the ones to blame, we would have a much happier life. If we didn’t point out the other person's physical flaws as much as we do, and valued other qualities more, maybe we would be able to live in a healthier society. You know what is worst? I only understood that after I became obese. I had to gain 80 pounds in order to understand that being thin does not make you happy, and that fat and old people are beautiful too.

Although I complain about my weight, I have to confess that I am glad it happened. If I hadn't become this big, I would still be badmouthing people who are fat, just because I did not understand them. Today I understand that some fat people are fat not becaue they are lazy, but because there is something deeper behind that weight gain, and we should be more compassionate. They already suffer a great deal of pain, why should we add to it with our prejudice? I just appreciate people so much more now. I work at a senior community, and I interact with senior citizens all day long. This interaction is so special to me, I have learned to look beyond their age. I surprised myself one day when I looked at a overweight woman who was probably in her 60's, and I thought to myself "wow, she is beautiful!" I guess it takes one to appreciate one, right? But why? Why can't we just see how beautiful we all are without something traumatic happening to us? I think I know why... fear. Fear of the reality displayed all over the people we avoid. We tend to look away from what scares us, because we don't want to face the reality of what awaits us in the future. It is damn scary. But we are looking at this from the wrong angle, when we look at someone who is older, and showing the signs of aging (or as I prefer to say, life), we should pay more attention. We should talk to them, ask questions. They will tell you how they feel, and why they are the way they are. You can learn from one person, as I did, that by looking at life in a positive way, it will help you accept what life has in store for you; it makes you appreciate life better. Or you may talk to another person and find out they are sick and full of pain because they never took care of their bodies, and now at 82, they have to start working out for the first time in their lives, or their heart will fail. You will be surprised to see that many happy couples in fact had very unhappy and hard moments in live, but they worked it out together, and accepted each other's flaws because their spouse's qualities were much more valuable to them then the flaws they have. If you appreciate life around you, you might realize that even that thing that makes you feel so unhappy, brought you something special. To me, it opened me eyes for those who I made invisible for so long.

I have learned that beauty not only outside, but inside as well. I believe that when we begin focusing on the good things we have, more than on the things about us that we hate.... we find it much easier to face any kind of challenge we might be facing. Not because it will give you a magic strength, but because it will make you appreciate the little victories. You will lose 500oz and you will tell yourself, "Awesome! With all the struggle I went through, I still managed to lose 500 oz! Last week I gain 2 pounds, I am getting better!"

Pay attention to what you are teaching your children, and the children around you. Keep in mind that no one needs to be perfect, all we need is to focus on being happy and healthy. Don't teach the children to magnify people's imperfection, it does not matter if someone is pretty or uggly, what's really important is if they are good or bad people, the rest, will be erased by time. Appreciate life, my friend. Appreciate people around you. Learn what really deserves to be praised, and let go of the petty little things that you know are not that important.

See you soon,
Love,
Me

Dieting Is Not the Answer

Diet is a terrible word, and it should be eliminated of our vocabulary. Every time I went on a diet, I managed to cheat. Well, maybe I didn't cheat all the way, but as soon as I reached my goal, I stopped dieting. I don’t remember ever entering the maintenance period after I lost weight, which is so important for a long term change. I always went back to the old habits. With all the diets I began, all I had in mind was the weight I wanted to lose, and when the weight was gone, why would I care? I was young, and I always thought,I would tell myself, “Tomorrow I will worry about exercising, my body looks fine! And why do I need to learn the maintenance, anyway? If I gain weight again, I will go on a diet again.” The problem is… if you go on a diet, you will never stop dieting. I hate dieting! I don’t want a quick fix, this time I want a permanent solution for my life. The problem is that a permanent solution after all the abuse I inflicted in my body, will take time...a long time. And work... hard word.

In the past I got really frustrated when I couldn't change my habits. Why can't I just stop eating? I understand why I got fat, I know why I eat, so why can't I just switch to healthy mode and move on with my life? Well, it took me 40 years to get here, how can I expect to change everything in a week? Specially because I have a lot of weight to lose, this can't happen overnight. I have to be patient and kind with myself. I have to learn new habits, and understand how important it is for me to change, not because I want to fit in the latest skinny jeans, but because I want to live a long and healthy life.

As we turn 40 something changes. It's not only our bodies that change, but our perspective of ourselves and the world around us. As I reached 40 there were big changes in my life; I became a single mom in a new country, and I felt as I was the new kid in school. Although I am American, I did not live here, and I was really attached to the culture I grew up in. Different food habits, different social habits, different emotional habits. I haven't realized this before I moved here. It's a whole new ball game in America! Food here has a grip on you in a way I never saw anywhere else, and unfortunately it got its grip on me as well, in a way I have never experienced before. Gladly, as I turned 40 I realized that many of the things I have learned in my life needed to be reformulated. I realized I am not immortal, and that I needed to fix the things I was doing that could POSSIBLY harm my health as I grow older. I realized I have to change the bad habits that lead to obesity, and all the diseases that are attached to being obese. I have been changing so many things in my life in the past 5 years; I am achieving goals I never thought to be possible. I became an adult here, I discovered myself... I fell in love with my soul, with my thoughts, with my life. I understood I am capable of fighting for myself, and conquering the world. Now is time to change my food and exercise habits and set the foundation for a long and healthy future.

I wish I could tell you all that when we decide we need a change, everything is easy. It is not. I struggle every day to keep myself on track, I don't want to fall off the wagon this time. I am 43 years old, and I still look pretty young. I don't want to turn 50 still stuck in this lifestyle. I want to make friends, and enjoy life. I want to go for a walk and enjoy the beautiful California. I want to be able to do the things I used to do and I no longer do, because I am ashamed of the way I look. In 2003 I began gaining weight, not as much as I gained now, but still, enough to make me self conscious.By 2005 I was around 200 pounds. I was a professional singer, and I passed too many opportunities because I was embarrassed to be seen that way. I was invited to be part of a soap opera, and I said no. I refused several invitations to be on stage because I felt I was going to disappoint my public. I missed great opportunities because I was fat. By the end of 2005 and beginning of 2006 I lost all the weight, but the way I lost it didn't teach me how to keep the weight off. On July 2006 I moved to California, and by October I was already putting the pounds back. I can't do this to myself anymore, it is time to face my fears and experience the hurt I suppressed by stuffing food down my throat. I don't want to develop diabetes, nor I want to spend my life hiding behind my weight. I want to be as proud of my body as I am proud of my mind, my soul, or my heart. I know this wont be an easy journey, but I'm willing to put up a fight.

I am still working on my 1,500 calories a day, and I love it! I discovered how fruits fill me up, without spending many calories. I have watermelons for breakfast, strawberries for snack, and Popsicle when I need a break. I found a great fruit Popsicles for just 30 calories each, its the Private Selection, Premium Fruits Bars, just 30 calories each, and 2 grams of sugar. It is now my favorite treat!

So, bear with me, okay? I will see you soon,

Oh yes, by the way, the app I was telling you about on my last port, MyFitnessPal? It is also a website MyFitnessPal.Com. It is a wonderful way to keep track of your calories.

Love,
Me

But It's Not Monday!

I am proud of myself! Yesterday I was a good girl, I got stressed out and instead of stuffing my face with some high caloric food, I've decided to clean my stove! I was really pissed, and I displaced all the frustration into the greasy stove. I felt so empowered! And today I am doing great, I am controlling my portions, and watching my calories. My day is going great, and I believe my night will be even better!

Yesterday I was reading Sean Anderson's Blog, and I was amazed and inspired by him! He was at 505 pounds, and one day he decided he had enough. He did not want to deprive himself from foods he liked, so he gave himself a daily allowance of 1,500 calories, and decided to include some type of exercise every day. He is close to the 230 pounds he set as his goal. A lot of the experiences and thoughts he shares, are similar to my experiences and thoughts, but one thing he said reinforced my theory of how to lose weight effectively. He does not believe we need to go an a diet and deprive ourselves from what we like in order to lose weight. Neither do I.

My theory is that if we want lose weight we need to eat what we like. In the past, every time I went on a diet I dreamt on achieving my goal as fast as possible, so I could finally eat the foods I was not allowed to. Eliminating foods from your diet is not real, you have to learn how to live with the foods you love. If you have a few pounds to lose, doing this might actually help, but if you are instead learning new habits, you have to include the foods you enjoy in your weekly menu, or you are at risk of falling off the wagon pretty fast. The most important thing about changing habits is eating small portions and choosing healthier ingredients. However, if you are dying to eat a piece of chocolate cake, just go ahead and eat a small piece. It is better to eat a small piece of cake, a bite of chocolate, or a cup of ice-cream, than try to avoid them all day, and end up eating an entire pie at midnight when no one is watching. The secret is controlling portion size and calorie intake. If I want to eat a nice dessert after a special dinner, but I only have 150 calories left that day, I can't eat a hot fudge sunday, because I don't have the calories to "buy" it. However, I can eat a soft cone from McDonalds because they are just 150 calories. Sean Anderson cleverly said that, If you treat the daily calorie allowance as cash, you will understand that if you don't have the cash, you can't buy the goods, and if you don't have calories left, you can't eat the food.

So I too decided to give myself a 1,500 daily calorie allowance, and instead of starting my ... my what? it is not a diet!.. Starting my new habits on a Monday, I began it yesterday, a Thursday! There! How's that for new habits? But I needed something to help me control my calorie intake. I do not want to walk around carrying a note book or a calorie book, I want something simpler or I know I will give up on the whole idea. So I remembered I have an iPhone, and so I searched for an App that could work for me, and I found an App called "MyFitnessPal". It is great! If I eat something, or if I want to know a certain food's calorie value, all I need it to do is open the app, search for the food, and check its value. Then after I chose the food and portion size, it tells me how many calories I've already spent, and how many calories I still have left for the rest of the day. This way I can keep track of what I am eating and how I'm doing.

I also want to include exercise to my new lifestyle, unfortunately I did not start exercising yesterday. It was SO DAMN HOT here in Orange County, that I could not exercise with that heat, I felt tired just by standing up! I bought the "Brazilian Butt Lift" DVDs; it's an exercise program by a Brazilian trainer, and let me tell you..... the exercises are great! I use to do those type of exercises when I was working out in Brazil, and my butt and legs looked just delicious! I want that again! I hope today I can exercise at least 20 minutes.... if the heat gives me a break. One of my volunteers suggested that I set the air conditioning on at a higher temperature, but still bellow the horrible 86 that it is now. She said it will cost me less to do this than to what I've been doing when it's unbearably hot, which is to turn the air conditioning on low temperatures, wait for the apartment to coll down and then turn it off. But when I do this, I actually have to turn on the air conditioning several times a day. Let's see Salle, my friend, I will give it a try. And by the way, thanks for the grammar tips today!

Well, I guess this is it for today. I am still here!! Not going anywhere! I'm excited to see what's next..... I plan on using some techniques I have learned on how to control OCD in my new lifestyle. OCD? yes, there are some great exercises OCD patients learn to confront their fears that might be great for my program, I will let you know what it is, and if it worked.

See you later,
Love,
Me

Reality Check

I didn't post anything yesterday. I sat in front of the computer, wrote a few things, but I did not know what to say or how to say it. My mind was racing, 1,000 thoughts per minute. Why? I was ashamed. Yes, ashamed that the day before I had decided to start writing this blog to keep me accountable for my decision to change my life, but there I was... failing again. I realized this belief is what makes me give up; the belief that I am failing, or that I will fail... then I tell myself, "If I am going to fail, why even try?" So I give up before even starting.

The big problem with the whole "weight war" is our own thoughts. It is how we think, and how that thought makes us feel, that makes us believe we are losing control over our lives. I sure experienced this yesterday. I went to bed confident that I would be able to pull this off, but when I woke up yesterday... the old mind set had set in, and it was in full gear. And then I told myself, "You have no readers on your blog anyway, why do you care? No one will know you messed up!" That was the type of thing that I was rationalizing yesterday. Many times after I gain all this weight, and I was on a diet, if someone told me I was looking good, or when they told me they could see I was losing weight... I would just jump off the wagon and run like crazy far, far from it. Why? I was afraid, not of failing, but of succeeding. How come afraid of succeeding? I will explain it in a few minutes.

There is much more than bad habits behind an obese person's behavior, there is also that person's reasons for eating. As an obese person myself, I have heard from caring friends and relatives, that all I need to do is eat less and exercise more. Well, with all due respect, I know that! It is very possible that all obese people know more about how to lose weight in an effective way, then any skinny person. The problem is not that we don't know how to lose weight, the problem is that the weight is not the problem, the weight is the outcome of the problem. You see, we eat for a reason, and if we want to stop eating and sitting on our buns all day, we have to work not only on our behavior, but on our cognition as well.

With that said, I want to share some of my irrational thoughts with you, maybe some of you can relate to them, I don't know. As i said on my first post, I was always very attractive, and usually viewed as a prize by many man. My ex-husband used to tell me all I was was beautiful, and that men would only want one thing from me.. Sex.... and if I didn't have my looks, I would never be loved. Yeah... that was a hard one to live with. But I believed him. After I separated from him, I met another guy and we lived together for 4 years; it was a wonderful relationship, but it ended very ugly, and I was terribly hurt. I moved to California with my daughter, and although it was the best thing that ever happened to me, it is not always easy to be here. When we moved I had no house, no job, no money, no husband. I was on my own.... I was scared, but I had a confidence inside me that I would be fine. I found a place, a job, and went back to college. But I was stressed out, I had very little money, and no support system.. in fact I still don't have one, and as an emotional eater, food became my drug of choice. Moreover, with very little money, I went for the cheap fast foods; that would fill me up for very little money. I ate because I was stressed, and could not stop myself from eating. But deep inside I didn't want to stop. I realized that I also didn't care if I gained weight, because I wanted to look unattractive, this way no man would want me. What? Who would want that? Well, you would be surprised how many people do that to avoid being rejected. If I am fat, no man will be attracted to me, and I wont be rejected and hurt by him when he leaves me. The problem with this way of thinking is... by doing this I avoid being rejected, but I also avoid being accepted!

Now we come back to my statement that I was afraid of succeeding. How so? Well, I am still afraid I will become attractive again, have a nice man be attracted to me. I am afraid I will end up getting hurt again. I know, I know... this is silly, but I said it was an irrational thought! I know that! But I am still afraid. So, I have to work not only on behavior change, but I need to work on these irrational thoughts that lead to my bad habits. And I have been telling myself, "hey, who told you that all men will reject and hurt you?" I know who.. my mom. But she is wrong! I just need to remind myself of that more often. I need to work on myself with love and compassion. I need to love myself and trust myself more. I am a smart woman, but I have been acting like a fool. I have changed so much these past years, and I am so happy with the person I have become. It is a contradiction right? I know, that is why I need to work on myself now. I have changed and improved almost everything in my life. It is time to tackle my irrational thoughts and hurt feelings.

So! Today is a new day, I woke up fired-up, and decided I will make this work. I don't know how I will be able to stick to it, but I will. I don't know what it's going to happen, but I want it!... It is time... it is time for change. I don't want to end up alone, sick, afraid. I am still young and pretty, and I have SO MUCH to look for in the future. I want to find peace of mind, I want to be free from my irrational thoughts. So.. I will try it, one day at a time, believing this time is the time I will stick to it, because this time, I will not run from my fears, I will face them all.. one by one... until I believe, I AM capable of making changes, and I WILL do it!

Talk to you later,
Me.

I Got Fat......So What???

I was always afraid this was going to happen to me. Since I was a teenager, I heard people saying how ugly, sloppy, lazy and unattractive fat people are. I was so concerned and afraid I would become one of the ugly, disgusting fattos that I began saying bad things about "them" too. As this would protect me from their evil influence. Maybe badmouthing them would clothe me with a protective invisible power that would make me stay thin forever. I use to look at women and try to find every flaw I could see in them.... and why? Because I was so damn insecure that I believed no one would love me for who I was…. I had to point out other women's flaws so everyone would see I was better than them. Yeah, Right!

I never really knew I was doing that, all I knew was that I struggled with food all my life. I was a thin, beautiful attractive woman, who was very, very insecure. My weigh fluctuated about 5 pounds on a regular basis, and the maximum I would gain would be 20 pounds every other year. Then I would go on some fad diet, take some pills, and deprive myself of the food I loved, just to be thin and adored again. Never exercised to lose weight though. BIG mistake. Exercising is not a big thing in my family, I have an aunt and a sister who exercise on a regular basis, but I was never involved in that. Well... I was for a while, and I loved it! I used to go to the gym every day, even weekends! I felt energized, awake, happy. Why didn't I continue with that?

I'm in my forty's now, and today I am very happy with myself. I became a strong woman, I realize how special I am, I just graduated and got my BA in psychology. I am still a pretty woman... but I am 90 pounds heavier; I weigh 237 pounds, and I was never, ever this big, and this makes me sad. I ask myself everyday... what the hell happened? As I don’t know the reason why. So, for the first time in my life, I am truly a big fat woman! And what does that mean? Well, this is what this blog is all about. I've decided to write down my thoughts, my likes and dislikes... my pains and my joys. I think if I analyze myself and share my life with people who might be going through similar things, we could help each other find ways to support each other and face our fears. Oh yes, there is a lot to do with fears, and we will discuss all of them here.

So, my cyber-still-unknown friends..... welcome to my blog, and join me in this journey to the center of my soul.