I was always afraid this was going to happen to me. Since I was a teenager, I heard people saying how ugly, sloppy, lazy and unattractive fat people are. I was so concerned and afraid I would become one of the ugly, disgusting fattos that I began saying bad things about "them" too. As this would protect me from their evil influence. Maybe badmouthing them would clothe me with a protective invisible power that would make me stay thin forever. I use to look at women and try to find every flaw I could see in them.... and why? Because I was so damn insecure that I believed no one would love me for who I was…. I had to point out other women's flaws so everyone would see I was better than them. Yeah, Right!
I never really knew I was doing that, all I knew was that I struggled with food all my life. I was a thin, beautiful attractive woman, who was very, very insecure. My weigh fluctuated about 5 pounds on a regular basis, and the maximum I would gain would be 20 pounds every other year. Then I would go on some fad diet, take some pills, and deprive myself of the food I loved, just to be thin and adored again. Never exercised to lose weight though. BIG mistake. Exercising is not a big thing in my family, I have an aunt and a sister who exercise on a regular basis, but I was never involved in that. Well... I was for a while, and I loved it! I used to go to the gym every day, even weekends! I felt energized, awake, happy. Why didn't I continue with that?
I'm in my forty's now, and today I am very happy with myself. I became a strong woman, I realize how special I am, I just graduated and got my BA in psychology. I am still a pretty woman... but I am 90 pounds heavier; I weigh 237 pounds, and I was never, ever this big, and this makes me sad. I ask myself everyday... what the hell happened? As I don’t know the reason why. So, for the first time in my life, I am truly a big fat woman! And what does that mean? Well, this is what this blog is all about. I've decided to write down my thoughts, my likes and dislikes... my pains and my joys. I think if I analyze myself and share my life with people who might be going through similar things, we could help each other find ways to support each other and face our fears. Oh yes, there is a lot to do with fears, and we will discuss all of them here.
So, my cyber-still-unknown friends..... welcome to my blog, and join me in this journey to the center of my soul.
Ms. Lully, you are wonderful. To be so candid in your quest just like the rest of us, is utterly refreshing. The fact that you accept the wonderful being you are inspite of this challenge motivates me, whose favorite song has recently been "THE BIGGER THE FIGURE THE MORE THERE IS TO LOVE" and while that is true and measurements are simply numbers and mine add up to the same as when I was younger, only now in a different order, your words inspire me to move more and eat less. I had that backwards. Consider me a fan. "BrooklynBabe" jan
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