It's Alive!!

I am so happy! The OCD technique is hard, but it is working! Last night I wanted to snack on something... some chocolate covered strawberries I made, and I could not stop thinking about it. I decided to stay with the feeling. The anxiety increased, and increased, and I was feeling extremely uncomfortable. But after a few minutes, the anxiety lowered and I felt so relieved and proud of myself!

Same thing happened right now. I wanted to eat a sugar free chocolate I have in my desk at work, and I told myself I should not do it. I waited until the anxiety increased, and when it was on the peak, I was telling myself... "I am not really hungry! My body is not asking for food right now, and I don't need to eat." I took a deep breath, and another, and another... and it worked! Again! I know my snacking is anxiety driven, and I eat because of some irrational thoughts. Sometimes I feel that I don't really have a problem, that all it is... is a habit. In other words, sometimes I am not that anxious to eat, I just eat because I am used to. If I think of something, the impulse and response to that thought is always the same. An example... I have a head ache, I take a pill... I feel dirty, I take a shower.... I want to get a tan, I go out to the sun... I feel anxious, I eat... wait! NOT ANYMORE! If I feel anxious, eating won't solve the problem!! All the other things I react to, will solve the problem, but not with food. And I still need to teach my brain that, every day...with patience, love and kindness. Until one day... I will wake up... and food won't be such a big issue in my life anymore. I will be aware of it, but it wont control me anymore. And I truly believe that. I know that I will face some hard-core anxiety levels when I use the OCD technique, but I know it will begin changing my thoughts, and create new habits.

I could feel last night and today.. that the anxiety builds up.. but it does not stay! My worry in the past was always that I would feel anxious and it would turn into sadness, and it would turn into depression, and I wouldn't be able to stand it. I rather eat than feel that terrible anxiety. But this is not true! The anxiety just comes, and goes! Yes, it is uncomfortable, but it is even more uncomfortable when I give in and eat.. then the discomfort, the sadness, the anxiety builds up. And I feel all the crappy feelings I am trying to avoid. But this does not happen when I don't give in, instead...I feel empowered. This thing will lose grip on me, I am sure of it!!

And another thing.... I don't want to diet ever again!.. so... I will stop counting my calories... I know this will slower my process, but I just need to know all this craziness is over! Forever!

I am happy.... I feel alive again!
See you soon,
Love, always...
Me